Letters to Soleil

May 5, 2008


My Sunshine,
Only about a week till your arrival, your entrance into the world, your much anticipated debut. I am excited, nervous, and scared. I’m not going to lie to you baby girl, I would keep you in my stomach forever if I could, there I know your safe. I love feeling your little kicks, stretches, and hiccups! Even though you tire me out, and maybe I’m not as fast as I used to be, it would all be worth feeling your liveliness. You being so active gives me strength, the doctors made me feel like you should have stopped moving a long time ago, you weren’t expected to make it this far. And look at you, you are my little fighter, I feel you, you are not a quitter. You help me find the strength to be positive, you are truly my little sunshine.
The doctors of course are preparing me for the worse; I guess that’s their job. But they don’t know you, they are just going off statistics, they have no idea what capabilities you have already. There have been more positive days for me when I think of you, but there have been some days where I tend to give into the thought of losing you. I don’t like to think that way, but it’s hard when everyone is telling me to be prepared. It kills me to think I can’t have you; I can’t spend time with you. I can tell you that I couldn’t see myself with a little girl, but when they told me that you were a girl, I did get excited. I have thoughts and hopes of us going shopping together, buying dresses, being girly. I have been a tomboy, and it’s exciting to know I am going to have a little girl to be girly with! Hahaha, sounds funny, but I guess now I’m ready to wear pink, wear high heels, and all that girl stuff with you!

May 6, 2008

Hello beautiful, well, today brings us another day closer to finally seeing each other. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, to hold your tiny little hand and have your fingers wrap around mine, I’ll never let you go. Can’t wait to smell your stinky little piggy’s, or run my hand through your hair, which the sonogram shows is long already. I want to smell your sweet baby breath. I’m in awe just thinking of you, you are my little girl.
The past couple of nights, I haven’t been able to sleep. I keep waking up, thinking of you. I hold you, and you always seem to respond with a slight movement, or a kick or stretch. You always know when I’m there. I want to hear your tiny little cry, I want to be able to comfort you, make you feel everything is ok. I want to protect you, and do anything I can to have you with me for as long as possible. Of course it’s hard not to worry about the possibilities, but I am doing a good job so far of just enjoying you day by day now. I have experienced time after time with each pregnancy that the love I have for my kids is unconditional, never ends, I will always have enough love to go around, no questions asked. I didn’t think I could ever love another child as much as I love Tristen, then Ayden came and showed me different. And when I got pregnant with you, I thought there could not possibly be enough love inside me for another one! I love you so much; there are no words to even begin to describe what I feel for you my sunshine.
This past weekend, me, your nana, Tia ness, and your cousin Alexa went looking for your first dress. After no luck at Babies R Us, Dillard’s, JC Penney, we found ourselves looking at Build a Bear. Your nana said she used to dress me in doll clothes when I was a baby. Not expecting to find anything there, we went just to humor nana. And of course she was right, I guess it doesn’t matter how old you get, your mom is always right (well, most of the time) so that is where you got your first dress!
Now I’m just rambling and throwing out random things, but I don’t think you mind!! I never got stretch marks with your brothers, but I wouldn’t mind having stretch marks with you. It wouldn’t be a negative outcome if they did pop up, I would look at them as my little rays of sunshine! With your brothers, I did not want stretch marks at all! You are a different story, I have to admit I took my other two pregnancies for granted, and yours I did at first. But when I found out about the Trisomy 13, I began to appreciate you more, to appreciate pregnancy more. I never want to take you for granted. Because of that, I really wouldn’t mind having those marks on my stomach to remind me of you, of my little miracle.

May 7, 2008

Good morning sleeping beauty. You slept in a little later than usual this morning. I’m still waiting for you to really wake up and give me a kick! I’ve been thinking about the last sonogram we got. Oh my gosh, you are so beautiful! I can’t stop thinking about watching you in my tummy. At first you weren’t moving much, you were probably sleeping or just comfortable in there. Then the doctor tried pushing on my tummy to get you to move, your little face was resting on my hip bone and you wouldn’t move. She wanted to get a profile shot of your little face, but to no avail! We did see your chubby little cheeks though, can’t wait to kiss them! You have your brother, Ayden’s, cheeks! Your Dad and I were excited to see that! We also got to see your hair! I didn’t know it, but you can actually see your hair on the sonogram. Everyone was amazed at how much hair you have already! The doctor was saying that your hair is about 6 centimeters long, that is long enough to put barrettes in your hair! How cute you’ll be. The two most exciting things for your Dad and I to see was when you looked around, we actually saw your eyes moving, that was so amazing. We also got to see you drink fluid, I remember your little mouth opening up, with your chubby little cheeks stretching open and you took in fluid and swallowed! That made me laugh, that was the cutest thing ever. Who would know something that may seem so minute, is something so incredible to see! Then, you would not take your little hands off of your tiny little toes, you were holding on to them, seeing that’s the only thing you have to play with in there! I could have laid and watched you all day!
A couple of other things that got us excited and hopeful was that the doctor doing the sonogram was saying that your little brain has two hemispheres. That was great news because she said most babies with Trisomy 13 have only one hemisphere so it looks like a blob. But we clearly saw two hemispheres in your little head. The other thing was that she said babies with Trisomy have clenched fists; they have no muscle to open up their hands. And of course, my little angel, your hands were wide open; you were showing us your little palm!